Men’s Guide to Fifty Shades of Grey - Don't Mess with Mama

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Men’s Guide to Fifty Shades of Grey

Men's Guide to Fifty Shades of Grey -

My husband and I had dinner with another couple last weekend. Funny enough, the conversation ended up on Fifty Shades of Grey (without me even prompting it). The woman asked if I read the book series. I told her not only have I read the trilogy, I’m on my third round re-reading it. We both laughed about it, then shared our favorite scenes.

Our husbands had no idea what we were talking about. I’m sure they’ve heard us wives talking about it, but with no context I can see why their eyes were wide-eyed and panicked when we talked about spreader bars, silver balls, spanking, and hard limits. Believe me, it’s not that bad.

So here’s a little cheat sheet for all the dudes out there. Your girlfriends, wives and significant others will be thanking me for this.

Men’s Guide to Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of GreyBackstory

E.L. James wrote the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy originally as Twilight fan fiction. She loved the Twilight books and movies, so she wrote her own version. But instead of vampires and other supernatural creatures, she put in the BDSM theme with Edward and Bella and called the series Masters of the Universe. Eventually she renamed the characters and fleshed out the text a bit but it’s basically the same as her original.


Anastasia Steele is a 21-year-old student about to graduate from Washington State University in Vancouver. She goes to interview 28-year-old billionaire Christian Grey in Seattle for her student newspaper because he’s a benefactor to the school and will be conferring diplomas at her graduation. They are instantly attracted to each other, but nothing happens yet. They see each other a few times and Christian tells Ana to stay away.

Then we find out he’s a dominant and doesn’t do regular “vanilla” relationships. He usually gets established submissives, but he’s intrigued with Ana and wants her. Ana likes him too and despite Christian telling her to stay away, she just wants him more. They run into each other a few times, and eventually Christian agrees to take her on a date and reveal why he thinks she should stay away.

On their first date, Christian reveals that he’s a dominant and wants her as a submissive. Then he introduces her to his playroom, which Ana calls the “Red Room of Pain” – it’s not as bad as you think. It just has all of Christians props and toys. When Ana tells Christian she’s a virgin, Christian is shocked. But he’s so intrigued by her that he proposes that they try vanilla sex and eventually work up to his Dominant/submissive preferences. She agrees, and their relationship begins.

Later, it’s revealed that Christian was adopted at 4 year old, and had a horrible childhood before his adoption. This all led to his intimacy issues and not wanting to be touched, which is one of the reasons he likes being a Dominant – he can tie women up so he can’t be touched and he has control.

A lot of other things happen but in essence, Christian wants Ana to be a submissive. Ana wants a relationship. They go back and forth and eventually find a middle ground  – each stepping out of their comfort zone. There’s a lot of great sex along the way and introduction of sex toys and props that honestly I’ve never heard of. Ana doesn’t become his submissive – just in the playroom.

Guys, 50 Shades of Grey (book 1) is all about Christian and Ana getting to know each other. Fifty Shades Darker (book 2) and Fifty Shades Freed (book 3) have more suspense and turns into a bit of a thriller – with psycho ex-submissives and bosses.

Why Women Love It

So many reasons but here’s a few:

  • Christian is hot. He works out every day and apparently has the body of a Greek god. But despite every woman checking him out, he ignores all of them. He only has eyes for Ana. Every woman wants to feel worshipped like this. And men, try to wear something other than sweatpants every now and then like fitted jeans (no carpenter jeans, please – only kids should wear those) or a nice suit (with a grey tie).
  • Christian is attentive – both in the bedroom and out. He constantly gives Ana compliments, and eventually Ana becomes more confident of herself (both in and out of the bedroom). On the other hand, many of us women haven’t heard a compliment in days, weeks or longer. So don’t be shy on the compliments. We want to hear how sexy and beautiful we are.
  • There’s great dialogue between Christian and Ana – especially through emails and texts. They’re playful, sexy – sometimes serious. They use email and texting to communicate with each other because Ana is intimidated by Christian in the beginning. For some women, dialogue is usually about work, kids, doctors appointments, and other unsexy stuff. Or worse, it’s a grunt or shrug in response to what’s for dinner.
  • Christian is bossy and tries to make all the decisions for Ana. She relents on some but doesn’t on others – which makes him like her even more. She challenges him and says no. Women in general like to know they can challenge their men. But at the same time, I think women like the idea of giving up control and having a man make decisions – at least maybe in the bedroom. For me, I feel like I run the show with the family, the kids, schedules, decisions – and sometimes I just want my husband to make the decision.
  • At first the sex toys and props are scary, but as EL James writes about how loving Christian is with Ana and how much she enjoys it – well, I’ll be money that your wife or girlfriend has been on Google to find out more about “silver balls” and “spreader bars”. I’m serious. There’s a lot of sex scenes and I think women in general are fascinated with all the new information – maybe it’s time to spice it up in the bedroom.
  • In the end, 50 Shades is a love story. Ana loves Christian despite his bad childhood and overbearing tendencies (she ends up liking his sexual preferences). Christian loves Ana despite her not being submission – in fact, this is what he loves about her. He loves that she challenges him. Really the push and pull of the love story is fantastic – and it’s romantic how they start on polar opposite sides of what they want and end up in the middle.

Quotes and Scenes You Need to Know

The most feedback I get from other women who love these books is that they drop subtle hints to their husbands but to no avail because the husband have no idea what they want. Well, here’s a quick guide for you.

If your wife or girlfriend:

  • Refers to you as “Sir” or “Mr. [insert name here]”, respond with “I am to please” or “Why Ms. [insert name here], are you smirking at me?” Give her some witty banter.
  • Rolls her eyes at you, she may be telling you she wants to have some fun. In the book, every time Ana rolled her eyes at Christian, he gave her a spanking.
  • Sends playful emails or texts, don’t ignore her or shut down the conversation. This is the time to play. Be witty and encourage banter like Ana and Christian.
  • Buys or leaves out a grey tie for you, consider this a good time to talk about sex and ways to spice things up. Ditto if you find a web page for Eden Fantasies or similar websites.

Related Blog Posts

10 Signs You’re Addicted to 50 Shades of Grey
If You Loved 50 Shades of Grey, You’ll Love These Books
50 Shades of Grey: What’s Your Favorite Quote?
So While You’re Reading 50 Shades of Grey, What Are You Not Doing?

Men's Guide to Fifty Shades of Grey -


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Wine List, Music & Other Random Fifty Shades of Grey Resources
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About Tracey Black

Hi, I’m Tracey. Welcome to Don’t Mess with Mama. Join me to stand up against junk food, processed food, and anything artificial. I’ll show you how to cook wholesome, gluten free (and grain free) meals with real food ingredients to nourish your family. Plus, learn how to get the toxins and chemicals out of your home for good with my favorite DIY and homemade recipes for beauty, personal care and cleaning products.


  1. 50shadesfan says:

    J (Bemoreromantic) – “Fifty Shades is a whole lot deeper than any MAN could ever know”
    Wow, dial back the oestrogen fueled new world order just a tick there…
    Men do have emotions, we just hide them better 😉 being a New Zealand Male I’m probably the most unlikely person to have read this. I’ll admit I loaded ebook on the wifes phone as a joke (she hasn’t read it) I thought I might as well look for the rude bits but got realy caught up in the story, more so with Darker. I think when Christian reveals his vulerability and need to Ana it seem to get more relateable. I see some of myself in him, no unfortunately not the looks. But did remind me of the deep love I have for my wife. Unfortunately she refuses to read it, tried to explain its not all just kinky fkry and has some very deep emotional aspects. How do I convince her to read it?

    • I love that you got it for your wife as a joke and ended up reading it yourself. I agree, the story is compelling and draws you in. What kind of books does your wife usually read? Have her friends read it yet? That might be a way to convince her. And I agree it’s more than the sex – it’s a love story and insight into how one man developed some interesting habits based on his upbringing. Good luck!

  2. Thanks for the lowdown – I have not read this series. I wish I still had time to read!

    • I’m in the same boat now. I usually try to fit in time when the boys are going down for a nap. I’ll sneak in 5-10 minutes here and there while they’re starting to sleep. It’s a great series.

  3. I don’t know when diner mugs became an obsession of mine, but since I acquired my first one, I never tire of searching for others to accompany it in our cupboard. This universal bridal gift registry also includes Bed Bath & Beyond, Sears, Everything Home and others. All users loved the results they had from using the Magic Bullet Express.

  4. My wife Is a good reader of book like 50 Shades … She love to read the book but one thing i don’t like while reading the book she always become emotional… and have tears in her big big eyes … :'( Makes me hurt always when i saw tears in her eyes … Love my sweet baby so so much…

  5. I have to say my bf and I both read this and it sounds like it was written about us. That’s how close the story is to us. He wasn’t adopted and we dont have any crazy bosses or exes, altho my ex was an abuser. I was lucky to have found this wonderful man(who happens to be Greek and yes he has the body of a Greek G-D). Every day I am complimented and told how beautiful I am. He is very attentive to me in and out of the bedroom. Ladies a lil BDSM never hurt anyone(not without a lot of pleasure with it). We still text each other 100-200 a day. I only hope I am not the only girl in the world that is as lucky as Ana! Happy Hunting Ladies! <3

  6. Have your men listen to the audiobooks and you will be much happier. Just finished mine for the second time. It is too bad that it has been sold so much on the sexual sides of it as apposed to the tender love story that it is. Must be a HBO series because 120 minutes will destroy the story.

    • I couldn’t agree more. I would love to see 50 Shades on HBO or Showtime – and yes, we need men to listen to the audio version. That’s a great idea.

  7. J (Bemoreromantic) says:

    I love this. Cheat sheet for men. Fifty Shades is a whole lot deeper than any MAN could ever know.

  8. Ha ha, I’m so glad they’re working!

  9. Very well written post! I am on my second read and as before I can not put it down! My husband is not a reader like I am and just doesn’t get that I love/crave/need to read. That is until I read him an excerpt (LOL), the look on his face was priceless. Now every once in a while while I’m reading, he’ll ask me about it or I’ll read him a little. I think he likes me reading just a little bit better…

    • Carol, that’s hilarious. I keep telling my husband about it, and I’m sure he thinks I”m crazy. That’s why I wrote the men’s guide – it’s like a cheat sheet for men. I can only imagine what was going through his head when your husband was reading the excerpt.

  10. My husband bought some of the silver balls that are used in the book and they are pretty amazing. If you are looking for some I would recommend these as they are surgical stainless steel and easy to clean. Check out the link below to see the listing on Amazon.

  11. It is a great novel that is heart warming and intriguing. I couldn’t put it down. I am anxious to read the next one! 

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