My oldest son is 7 years old and has never been much of an athletic competitor. When he was little we enrolled him in swim, gymnastics, and karate to see if he would take to any of them. He didn’t. He preferred working with his hands instead. I mean at 3 years old he was assembling complicated Lego sets and Transformers (seriously, have you tried converting them from the car to the robot) for 6 years and up.
Eventually though, we did get him back into swimming just so he could be safe in the water since 9 times out of 10 we’re at the beach on the weekends. He’s still doing it after nearly two years, and now learning strokes and proper form. I’ve mentioned to him that he could join a swim team. That’s when he responded with, “Does that mean I get a medal?”
Ah yes, this medal business. He feels slighted that he’s never won a medal. His little brother is 5 years old and just got his first trophy for playing soccer – mind you every kid got a trophy, which is also annoying because he didn’t do anything special to get the trophy other than play soccer. Unfortunately for my oldest son, his swim teacher doesn’t award medals for completing classes.
And it doesn’t help that my 5 year old will flash his trophy to everyone who walks through the door. “Did you see my trophy?” he enthusiastically asks to anyone who comes over.
Then my 7 year old feels bad and goes into his tirade, “It’s not fair! Why don’t I get a trophy?!”
Ugh. Most of the time I just tell him that he will in due time. Maybe when he joins a swim team. Or when he wins a competition for building a Lego set or making origami (his other passion).
But one time I was so irritated because he was complaining it wasn’t fair. I actually told him, “To win a medal, you have to do something like play sports or enter a competition. Have you done that? No, you haven’t because you never want to. So if you don’t enter, you won’t get a medal.”
The instant I said, I felt bad. I never want to make him feel like he’s not good enough. He’s so talented but sometimes I feel like he prefers to sit things out because he doesn’t want to lose. I’ve tried telling him it doesn’t matter if he wins as long as he tries and participates.
Since then, if I hear my oldest son talk about not having a medal, I just tell him he will one day. He just needs to decide what he wants to win a medal in and then participate in something he likes.
We recently went to a kids birthday party inspired by the Olympics. There were competitions for soccer, ring toss, relay race, and kickball. In the end, everyone was awarded a medal, but my oldest son beamed with pride that he finally got his medal. He went on and on about it the rest of the day and really for the next few days about how he finally got his medal.
I was happy for him because truthfully he got his medal just like my middle son got his trophy: for participation. I have mixed feelings about awarding medals and trophies for participation. I think his should get medals for working hard and accomplishing something, not just participating. I think medal should reinforce the message that if you work hard and practice, then you can accomplish and win.
But in my oldest son’s case, it leveled the playing field with his little brother and made things fair. And it did break my heart a little bit that he didn’t have a medal. So I’m trying to use this opportunity to encourage him to try other sports or activities where he has an opportunity to compete and win – if he wants to get more medals.
Maybe there’s an origami competition near us that he can enter…
So what do you think? Should kids get medals and trophies for participating or only when they truly win something? What’s been your experience.
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Tracey Black is the founder and editor-in-chief for Don't Mess with Mama, the sassy mom's guide to parenting, green living and travel. She is a regular contributor to Redbook's Mamarama blog, and a social media strategist working with eco-friendly brands such as Stonyfield, Juice Beauty and others. She has three boys and lives in San Diego, Calif.
My 3 year old is thrilled to get anything from someone whether it be a medal, a flower, a piece of paper…point being that kids just want to feel special and be recognized. For your son, it was a medal, and it gave him the confidence boost he was seeking so I think in this case it was fine. I agree with you that in general though that these should be more selective so that they don’t dilute what they’re suppose to stand for.
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I think for little kids, it’s fine to get a medal or a trophy for participation–that’s what happened when my girls were in Kindergarten and playing soccer. But once you reach first grade or so, it’s time to learn that not everyone wins all the time, that you have to earn that green belt in Tae Kwon Do, and then it means so much more.
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This is a wonderful post, and important discussion.
Having grown up in competitive sports myself, recently, I have changed my mind about this practice. Especially for younger children.
Having a medal, is something that is an external validation of worth. Too much of this leads to people growing up feeling they are only worthy if they are achieving something, not merely for being who they are.
I know this because this is something I struggle with in my life. As a teenager, I displayed my tennis trophies (over 75 of them) around my room, so that I would have visual proof that I was “somebody.”
I like the medal for participation idea, as a symbol of engaging in the activity. It is a reminder of the experience, not of the outcome of the experience.
Alfie Kohn, in his book “Punished by rewards” discusses this exact idea, and how everything from competitive sports, to grades at school, can have a significant detrimental effect in the long run. And actually decreases performance, and achievement, rather than encourages it. Highly recommend this book.
Thanks for stopping by. I haven’t heard of “Punished by Rewards” but it sounds interesting. I’ll need to add to my reading list. It’s so hard to figure out the right thing for kids but I agree that overall parents focus too much on the reward and not the effort.