A few weeks ago I met a friend at a park so our kids could have a playdate. She had just moved to San Diego from Hawaii, where she had lived most of her life. After the kids had been playing for a while, they told us they were hungry. My friend had a bunch of snacks my kids were coveting, so they addressed her by her first name, and then politely asked if they could have some of them. She gave them the snacks, but as soon as they were out of sight, she turned to me and mockingly admonished, “Why aren’t your kids calling me ‘aunty?’ Have you been living [on] the mainland too long?”
There it was — I was caught in the parent name trap again.
In Hawaii, locals expect children to call adults either “aunty” or “uncle” regardless of whether or not the kids are related to them. I didn’t move to Hawaii until I was in elementary school, and by then I was already hardwired with my Southern manners (I was born in Georgia) to address adults as “Mr.,” “Miss,” or “Mrs.” unless they told me otherwise. The only exceptions to this rule were the few adult friends my mom had; she insisted I call them “A Yi,” which means aunty in Chinese. But to this day, I still have a hard time calling adults older than me aunty or uncle.
So when we had our own kids, my husband and I took an informal tactic. We decided to let our kids call other adults by their first names unless the adults preferred a more formal salutation. I tell all my children’s friends to call me Tracey. For the most part, it’s worked out fine — with a few exceptions.
For instance, when we’re in Hawaii visiting family, most of our friends expect to be called aunty or uncle. We let our kids do it, but when we return to San Diego, they always get confused and want us to explain whether our friends are really related to them or are just friends.
Here in San Diego, it’s not common for adults to be referred to as aunt or uncle unless there’s a cultural influence. In fact, a mom in a playgroup actually told me she’d be offended if a child called her “aunty” because she felt like it was throwing around a familial name in vain. She told me she preferred the salutation with which most preschoolers are familiar: Miss + the adult’s first name, e.g. Miss Kate. While I wouldn’t be offended if a kid called me his aunt if I really wasn’t, I’d probably just tell him to call me Tracey to keep things simpler.
Luckily, most of our friends and neighbors are just fine being called by their first names. I try to teach my kids that they should call adults whatever they prefer – whether it’s Mrs. Johnson, Miss Jennifer, Jim, or uncle Jack. I just don’t want them saying, “Hey, you!” or “old lady” like they’ve jokingly called me a few times.
So what do your kids do? Can they call your friends by their first name? Or do you prefer a more formal salutation?
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This post was written by
Tracey Black is the founder and editor-in-chief for Don't Mess with Mama, the sassy mom's guide to parenting, green living and travel. She is a regular contributor to Redbook's Mamarama blog, and a social media strategist working with eco-friendly brands such as Stonyfield, Juice Beauty and others. She has three boys and lives in San Diego, Calif.
Boy that is confusing! My daughter is just learning family member names and the concept of being related, I can only imagine how confused she’d be if I told her to call someone Aunty or Uncle. She wants to know how we are related and who’s brother or sister they are lol! I have taught her to say ma’am and sir but with friends we go with the first name… Sometimes I wonder if we’re close enough to someone to call them the first name and I just ask them “What should I tell her to call you?” Lol I’m a direct person.
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Nice blog new follower on twitter from the hop. I think what you have your kids do is just fine. I feel like the children are speaking with respect to their elders it does not matter what they address them as.
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Thanks for stopping by! I agree – respect is the goal and as long as kids follow that then we should be pretty safe.
I see your dilemma. I guess I should keep this in mind if there’s a cultural aspect to who my daughter is meeting (then aunty or uncle may be better). Otherwise, my daughter has just been calling friend’s moms by their first names or by saying something like, “Michael’s Mom.”
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It’s so hard to navigate the parent name trap. I had been having my sons call their friends’ moms by their first names and got reprimanded by one of them. Not sure who’s on time out – me or them.
Oh yes, good topic!
We are all good with aunty and uncle, but when we visit the mainland it does get confusing! I try to get them to use “Mr.” and “Mrs.” but its such a new habit…
I agree with other commenter that it’s all about respect.
Glad to be connecting with you here! So much fun…
Thanks for stopping by, Monica. I feel like training my kids to use aunty and uncle in Hawaii makes sense, but when we’re here in the mainland and people request it too then my kids get really confused.
When our kids were in preschool, adults were called Miss or Mr. First Name. Now that they’re in elementary school, adults are called Mr. or Mrs. Last Name. I think it’s because that’s what we called their teachers in preschool & elementary, so we just followed along in the same way with everyone else. Super close friends are Aunt First Name, because of our cultural background.
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In our house is it really odd we call ppl by first names or Auntie/uncle so and so. We consider our friends our family that we’ve chosen so to our kids they’re just the same as blood
. Afterall not everyone gets the amazing choice of choosing their family 
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Very interesting! I didn’t realize that about the Hawaiian culture. My boys are pretty young so we haven’t sat down and thought about what their friends will call us, but I’m assuming just by our first names. I work with kids as a Speech-Language Pathologist and I even feel weird about having them call me by my last name. I would just prefer my first name. Even when they call me Ms. Mindi it makes me feel too old!